People usually read or learn about Islam before converting and I am just the opposite.

Like many others, I was raised in christian family, I went to christian private school . I grew up among drunkards customers because my parents had bars and restaurants, and I had to help them during week-ends and school holidays earning my pocket money.

Life has always been easy as a teenager: money, alcohol, drugs and men. Really, religion was the last thing I could think of and nothing was leading me to it. But I was not happy inside and could not explain it.

At 19, I decided to leave it all : too many parties, too much of it all. I left to England, and started the same kind of life because I did not any other way. I met a Lebanese man that needed a european passport and we decided to get married for a year: I could then get back to school .

We agreed : no religion in the house , this was just an arranged marriage that would not last. We never talked about it, and in Ramadan, I would put food in his mouth and laugh at him .Our life was not very different from the westerners' and it was just fine

One night, after we invited a couple of friends, the girl was telling me about her conversion to Islam and she went on talking about Jiins. I did not tell her nothing , but I really found her ridiculous in her mini-skirt and her make up. She had nothing to do with my conversion and did not teach me anything relevant . After they left, I could not sleep, I was scared about all the stories of the Jinns ( I called them spirits) and related them to horror films. so I begged my husband: "Please don't sleep; I am scared!" but we had to wake up early in the morning and he answer me : "Ok; I know you don't want to talk about religion; but we Muslim, when we are scared we say El fatiha" "Ok, ok, I try it, how does it go?" and he started reciting it, and I repeated: not understanding one word. And I went on for a few times, until I started to fall asleep.

Then , I don't know how it happened, really, but I woke up suddenly and cried, cried of happiness, I was filled with a special feeling, sitting there on my bed, my heart was emptying itself , my body could not stop the tears and my mind had no power over what I was feeling . I knew, I knew then and no one could  take it from me : that was the Truth.

I had no idea what it meant, I could not say a word of arabic and knew nothing of Islam . I had never showed any interest about religion.

When I kind of calmed down, I just told my husband; "I want to know about this religion and we will get married the Islamic way."

After that ( and I will try to make it short) I tried to pray from time to time; my husband was not teaching much and I found myself left to myself. but I kept on trying: I would cry in Mosques. We left to his country after we had our children to raise them in a Muslim environment and for me too. There, I even left a very good job there to work in a islamic school for our 2 children to get islamic education.

My life was even worse than in Europe but my faith did not change in strengh. I just felt left alone and did not find the answers in this country. Though I was surrounded by sunni Muslims : the people I got on best were Shiia: and I knew even less about them: just what the sunni usually say about them.    

Back in Europe we divorced after 12 years marriage . I felt liberated .

But I knew my way into Islam did not end there.

I met someone who is Shiia and we got married in the Islamic way in secret : All what I read makes now sense : I know I must be careful about what I read and learn and always find the source .But I read freely what I want now. I am praying regularly without feeling it a burden: it just came naturally  and I ask Allah to help me in my search for Guidance .I must add here, that my husband now does not live with me and I am raising my children alone and working; I feel even stronger than before with My Islam even though I work with French and my family is against my conversion (but they see now that I have never been happier )

I know I still have much to learn still and to apply in my everyday life but I am getting there. It's true I rely much on what I feel in some situation and with people: I cannot explain it but it happen and I am not sure this is the right way. I put my trust in Allah because He knows best. I do not want to forget where I come from: what happened to me can happen to anybody, that's why, we as Muslim, have to behave justly with everybody.

Thank you for reading me. May Allah be with you .

Véronique (Fatima)