CONVERSION STORY

Haaji 'Abd ar-Rashid ibnil Hattaab al-Mahjubi

at www.CONVERTSTOISLAM.com


People have asked me how have I come to know the Beloved, how did I become a
Muslim, one who has submitted. I will Allah willing, share my journey
towards the Beloved and Exalted Lord with you, my dear ones.

I grew up with knowledge of Allah, but no understanding. And even then the
knowledge I had was meager at best. I spent most of my early teen years
playing music with a group. We became very popular in our area, and still
popular in our region. We preformed for hundreds of people, and at times
will over a thousand, and we were steadily building in popularity and
demand. All the while my nafs, my ego was also expanding. Pride was manifest
inside my heart, and arrogance soon followed.

I quickly became the center of the public's attention, performing solo on
television and radio shows, getting paid in cash and in praise. My world
revolved around myself and I thrived on the applause that other people gave
me. It was amazing that I had perfected this craft so well that I could play
havoc with complete strangers emotions. I seen people go from sorrow to joy
in a matter of minutes, due to my mastery over my trade, and I was young,
very young. I felt powerful, I felt as though I were something. Someone once
told me that God had blessed me with a great talent. I remember my reply,
and it's harshness and coldness still haunts me to this day, "What God? I
worked and made effort for this and what you see is due to what I have done.
God has nothing to do with it." I was such a zealot that I could not bare
that anyone else receive praise or recognition, whether it was another
musician or the All Mighty. This is how far I had strayed away. Forgive me.

I had always however felt very much as though something key was missing from
me, as though my soul was slowly dying, which made no sense to me. After
all, I was god, why would I feel bad or feel a lack in anything. Still the
emptiness grew, and I became more introspective and thoughtful about life.

I remember exactly when the change occurred. I had just played in front of
nearly two hundred people, and it had been a high energy set. The audience
was so moved that they had stood up and applauded and gave a standing
ovation. I remember that I basked in their glorification, my lower self
feeding off of their praise and worship. And then a burst of clarity; I had
an enormous realization. This was the height, this was the pinnacle of a
musical career. People, who are complete strangers, being moved to their
feet by you, buying your CD, requesting performances, this was really in
essence the peak of stardom and popularity. In in that brief moment in time
which seemed to be years long, I realized that this was empty of purpose,
empty of meaning. Was I put here for this? Was I living my life for the sake
of people's praise? Is this why I was born and put on this earth, to perform
and pretend, to hide behind instruments and my voice? Was this all there was
in life? I remember after the rush of questions into my mind, and having no
answers for them, I felt crushed inside. After that moment, everything, the
entire world felt as if it had grown heavier. That night I remember that I
cried myself to sleep.

I could not bare the emptiness any longer, I needed to find the Truth, about
life, about reality, about myself. So I naturally turned to the religion I
was raised in, Christianity. I attended a few Bible studies, I attended
church more often, but the difference was that I actually sat and compared
what was being said and done by Christians and what was actually written in
the Bible. I could not come to terms that they believed that 'Isa 'alaihis
salaam was god. This made no scriptural sense to me at all. How could there
be One God and yet three? How could the God of the Old Testament, who said
He was a Jealous God and would not tolerate partners being set beside Him,
be considered a triune god? How could the Jews for thousands of years be
worshipping One God, Unique and Alone, and then when Christians take over
they say it is three gods in one. This to me smacked of falsehood and
perversion, and I became even more disturbed when I realized that 'Isa
'alaihis salaam never called himself god, nor did he preach this. If he
would have, surely the masses of people would not have followed him at all.
This very much bothered me, to the point that I became very disillusioned
with Christianity; it had no meaning to me. I searched the Bible for the
word trinity and never found it. It would not be until a few years later
that I would come to learn that the only holy scripture that contained the
actually word trinity was the Holy Qur'an, the Book of Islam

They do blaspheme who say: Allah is one of three in a Trinity: for there is
no god except One Allah. If they desist not from their word (of blasphemy),
verily a grievous penalty will befall the blasphemers among them. 5, 73,
al-Qur'an al-Karim

I remember after sometime I started to wonder about other religions and I
wanted to search and learn about them. I had not totally given up on
Christianity, perhaps some revelation would come and allow me to understand
the validity of the faith. I remember I got a really simple book about the
major religions of the world, and I would flip through the pages and read
about the faiths. It had in it Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism,
Christianity, and Islam. I remember just seeing the word 'Islam' made my
heart jump. This word seemed to jump out of the book at me, as though it
were alive while the others were just ink splatters on white paper. Islam,
the word, the name of the religion, I was surprised was not an 'ism' as most
of the other religions were. I was also surprised to see that the word
actually had a meaning. Submission to Allah, to be made whole, peace. This
amazed me. The word Christianity to me always meant 'the religion of the
Christians', Buddhism meant 'the religion of the Buddhists', etc. But this
word Islam actually had it's own significance by itself. This really
astounded me.

My first real introduction to Islam was due to my dear mother, when she gave
me one Christmas day a copy of an english Qur'an. This was very odd,
especially when looking back at it, since she was not Muslim, and she didn't
know what the Qur'an was. When I asked her out of curiosity why she had
given me this Book, she said she just thought it was something that I should
read. As one of the sayings goes, "Paradise is at the feet of the mothers."

I remember opening it up and being struck by the very first chapter of the
Qur'an, al-Fatihah, the Opening. In seven brief verses, my perception of
life changed, it was as though I was meeting my Creator for the first time
and I felt awed by the simple yet overwhelmingly powerful description that
Allah the Exalted used to describe Himself and to describe human beings and
their position. It was an amazing introduction to the faith and really the
beginning of my true search.

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
Praise be to Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds;
Most Gracious, Most Merciful;
Master of the Day of Judgment.
Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.
Show us the straight way,
The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion)
is not wrath, and who go not astray.
- 1, 1-7, al-Qur'an al-Karim

After reflecting and reading over the verses, I felt a weight lifted off of
me, as though my heart was relieved of some heavy burden. It was like I had
been cured of some stress, some disease that was plaguing my soul. I felt,
for the first time in a long time, over joyed and content, satisfied, as
though I had finally found what I had been searching for.

'Abd al-Malik ibn 'Umar rahmahtullah 'alaih narrates that Rasulullah
salallahu 'alaihi wa salim said, "There is a cure for all ailments in surah
fatihah, the opening of the Qur'an."
- Sunan Daarami

This, I learned, included the ailment of the soul. I still knew very little
about Islam or what it meant to be a Muslim, but circumstances would soon
push me forward with a new sense of urgency.

It was not long afterward that my family was dealt a striking blow. My
younger brother had been diagnosed with cancer. My entire family, and really
the whole community was in an uproar over this. We were devastated, we could
not fathom the reality of the situation. That night after receiving the
news, I remember going into my room and getting down on my hands and knees
and praying God to cure him of his disease. I remember in the middle of my
prayer thinking to myself, "Who am I to ask the Creator of all that exists
for a favor such as this? I have only lived a life in rebellion to His
Order, I have even considered myself higher than Him. Why would He answer my
prayer?" At that moment it dawned on me, that if there was no God, as some
had tried to convince me, then praying was of no use, and if there was
indeed a God, as I believed there was, I had done nothing to warrant His
Mercy. I decided with new vigor to continue my search for the Truth, my
search for the Beloved.
I had met a real life Muslim after that time and had started asking him
questions about the things I had been reading. Why do Muslims pray five
times a day, why do women wear hijab, simple questions of that nature. This
was all before September 11th, so not much was really heard about Islam. I
can honestly say that I thought that there were no Muslims at all in my
region, but in the city closets to me, where I had gone since childhood,
there where over a hundred. But I never knew.

I had decided to study other religions and kind of compare them to Islam.
All the Christians I met, whether they were lay people or clerical, seemed
to have no good answers for the questions I was asking. I don't really want
to go into all the things that they spoke about, but all I can say is that
there entire foundation is made of sand.

I went and met with the Jews, and I started to study under one Rabbi, who
told me many things. I went to see Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, and Taoists,
and I can say that all of them were interesting, but none of them spoke to
my heart like Islam. It was between Islam and Christianity.

One night I had a dream and in it I went to the door of a synagogue, that
had high wooden doors. I knocked and the rabbi came out, and asked, "What do
you want?" I said, "I have lost something and I need to find it. But I don't
remember what it is." The rabbi said, "I don't have time for this, what you
seek is not here." And shut the door and I left. I walked to the door of a
church with a very high steeple. I knocked and the priest came out and
asked, "What do you want?" I said, "I have lost something and I need to find
it. But I don't remember what it is." The priest said, "I am busy tending my
own flock. What you seek is not here but keep searching." With that the
priest shut the door. Then I came on a small house and before I could knock
on the door, it opened and an old man stood there. He wore a turban and had
a long beard. I said to him, "I have lost something and I can't find it. But
I don't remember what it is." The old man said, "Peace, come in and we will
help you." He took me into the house and we entered a small room where other
people were. The old man said, "This is our brother, he has lost something
and he needs our help." At that moment I realized I had found it.

After a lot of searching and study, meeting with knowledgeable people from
various faithes, I came to the conclusion that all the religions were
interesting, but most lacked a key element. Truth. For certain Truth had
been there, Truth had visited those religions who knows how long ago. But
all that remained now was a shadow. Islam was different. It was as if it
were a bright sun shining in the middle of a sky filled with clouds. I knew
in my heart that this was the abode of Truth, but I was not completely
convinced.

All the while my brother was getting sicker and sicker. He had now been in
the hospital for months and undergoing brutal medical treatment. He fell
into a coma and steadily grew worse. Soon they had to stop the treatment, as
it no longer had a point. I remember on the seventh night I prayed with tear
filled eyes, saying, "O Allah, if You are true, if Islam is true, wake my
brother up so that I may see him one last time. I will give my life to You."
The next morning we received a call from the hospital that he was waking up
slowly. A few days later I went into the hospital to meet him after he had
totally woke up. I asked him privately if he had seen anything while he was
asleep. He said that he saw two groups of people, both walking in the
opposite directions. One group he said were people of all kinds, wearing
various types of clothing and they walked towards a light. As the got closer
to the light it was as if they became that very light until they
disappeared. The other group looked dark and scared, afraid of something.
They walked towards a hill from behind which there was a tall plume of smoke
rising. He said that he began to walk with those going towards the light,
but a voice said, "Go back, someone needs you." And then he began to wake up
from his coma. I asked him, "What do you think of God?" He said, "There is
no god but God." I asked him, "What do you think of Muhammad?" He said, "He
is a messenger of God."

la illaha ilallahu muhammadur rasulullah

A few weeks later he passed away into the Beloved's Embrace.

I became convicted then that Islam was the Truth. I submitted myself to
Allah and it has been nearly five years since. May Allah keep us all
steadfast on this path.

I would like to live you with a poem of mine taken from my book Tajjal
i-Shuhud. It was for my brother, my first shaikh.

I have rested in this place for a long time,
I've felt the angel's arms around me
When I was shivering from the cold and the fear.
If I only could have been with you longer, maybe...

I think of you often, you know that already.
I wonder where you've been, how you've fared.
Is it a wide outstretched place that you are in now?
I pray to the Beloved that it is a garden.

In a way, you were my first teacher,
My first shaikh in matters of this great mystery that holds us all.
It's to bad I did not realize what you had to offer,
I could have learned so much more from you.

Rumi had Shams who first made him think, who first made his world shatter.
For me it was you who asked the question that made me faint;
Through the pain you endured with every breath you took
You taught me, you taught us all, yet we still fail the lesson.

I've been lost in the desert of my sorrows,
Wondering the road to Damascus for this knowledge, for this Comfort;
It was He Who struck my head and made the scales fall off;
I know how it is to have been made blind and then given sight again.

Through your light, I came to know the Light that shines forever.
I see the ninty-nine qualities in your manner, you were a scholar of these
things,
Yet to those who passed by without the Sight, you were just a boy.
So was 'Isa, and look how he impressed the scribes in that far off Temple.

You are always with me, never away, always teaching.
I hold you in my heart forever, never fading or growing pale.
May you have the most beautiful rest, and be among the honored in paradise.
You for certain, were a friend of Allah.

Haaji 'Abd ar-Rashid ibnil Hattaab al-Mahjubi
darul_ihsaan@hotmail.com

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