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When and how did it all start? Did it really start or was it simply a spiritual awakening? A realization of the truth always
innate in me? Allah knows best.
My name is Nirvan and I am 20 years old. I was born in a mixed family: My father is Hindu and my mother Muslim. As far as I can switch back to childhood, I remember clearly that I have never received any religious education of any kind. My father was not a religious Hindu and my mother had relinquished Islam. So I was brought up in a kind of “void’, which obviated the need for spirituality. However I am forever grateful to my parents for having inculcated to me moral values and ethics which will forever guide my life. My family though not religious always nurtured me in a disciplined environment where obedience to parents, speaking the truth, abstain from stealing, service to mankind… were the cornerstone of our everyday lives. With hindsight I now recall that in my adolescence, the conundrums of existence flashed upon my mind. What is the purpose of life on earth? Is death the end of everything? Does God exist? Something deep stirred in me, goading my intellect towards a relentless quest for TRUTH. I needed clear, comprehensive and logical answers to all these questions troubling my existence and puzzling my mind. The adventure though an intricate maze of theology, ancestral practices, philosophy…had begun. Starting from atheism (which was quite natural as I had never been introduced to religion), I made my way through Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, but I would not find any spiritual gratification in any of them. I had the inner feeling that TRUTH was out there, maybe right in front of my eyes, but was still eluding me. At a certain point in time, I relinquished further investigation and desperation swayed me. I drowned myself in Nietzsche, Sartre, Kant, Heidegger, Marx, Freud, Andre Gide, Krishnamurti,…how much more alluring did atheism look in my eyes ! Quotes such as “God is dead”, “Religion is the opium of the masses”, “Religion stems from inner fear of the patriarch in primitive societies”. I lived and died with Nietzsche’s books and Marilyn Manson’s music. I even took to reading “The Satanic Bible” and I took interest in Wicca or paganism. This led me to discover Norse mythology, Roman and Greek gods…but my thirst for mysticism and ultimate truth was unabated. Then the miracle happened! One Friday I decided to accompany my Muslim friend to the Jummah prayer just for fun. It was never in my intention to pray there as I was simply curious about Islam’s religious practices – the only religion I had not delved into. So we listened to the Khutba (speech of the Imam) and I did the namaz postures by imitating my friend (standing, bowing, prostrating). It was at this point in time that something heavenly, a mystical experience occurred. I did not hear any voice, I did not see any light…I simply felt a supernal emotion like I was being carried away. Everytime my forehead touched the ground, it just wouldn’t want going back. Allah had sent his guidance to me. I would never be the same again. After the prayer, my friend asked me how I felt. I said nothing for the human language is too poor to express adequately this emotion. That state of bliss would dwell in my mind for days and was pointing towards a clear cut direction – Islam. So I asked to myself, “Do I engage in research once more?” Some hidden force was pushing me forward and exhorting me to do so. Soon after, I found myself engrossed in Islamic books and marveling at the 5 pillars of faith, the 6 beliefs, the Quran’s scientific miracles and mathematical perfection, the number ‘19’ miracle…With enthusiasm I engaged myself in prayers and earnest study of the Quran. But that was not the end of it. Several times I lapsed in doubt and Satan would not let go of me. I spent sleepless nights wondering over whether I was on the right path, whether I was acting in rashness or not?. I was even on the verge of apostasy with a willingness to just give up everything. Coupled with some problems I had at home due to my family being non Muslim, leaving Islam appealed to me. The more so when 75 % of new converts leave Islam!! I missed prayers (even the Jummah), the Mehraj Shareef, criticized Islam, argued with Muslims about their stupidity and helped anti Islam websites. But something in my heart still would not let me let go of Allah. I knew these difficult times were a trial for me. Will I fail or pass? I prayed day and night and begged Allah for help. I felt ashamed for doubting the Word of God and letting myself influenced by anti Islamic propaganda. I felt disgust for myself for doubting each time and then imploring Allah for forgiveness. But in the end…light came. Gradually Allah strengthened my faith and made me steadfast. I faced criticism and harshness with patience and calmness. Never did I reply back or slander. Whenever I was crestfallen, I would turn to God for guidance and help. I had reverted to the natural religion of mankind – what had I to fear? I knew that the adventure had not come to an end…it has begun! An enthralling journey through the marvels and delicacies of Islam. I’ve not reached the end of the road but I’m at peace now. With myself and with God. |